Recently I joined the Peace Corps. I am very excited about this fact. Next September–my unofficial departure date–has become of calming beacon of hope for me. Whenever I am stressed, or bored, or irritated, all I have to do is remind myself that in about 9 months I will live GOD KNOWS WHERE and spend my time doing GOD KNOWS WHAT with GOD KNOWS WHO. And for some asinine reason this cheers me up immeasurably.
What does not cheer my up is the email I recently got from the Peace Corps essentially telling me that due to my ‘past legal issues regarding drugs and alcohol’ I now need to convince them that I am not a raging alcoholic mere steps away from a 6 day bender in Reno involving midgets and Britney Spears.
The issue is this: when I was EIGHTEEN and in COLLEGE, I had a beer at a party and walked home with a drunk guy who lived in my dorm (as opposed to walking home alone–Good Lord, I was actually making a SMART decision!). He created a ruckus. The cops arrived. I was scared shitless and stupidly admitted to having a beer at a party. (Honest to God people, I really did only have one and I really was stupid enough to admit it.) MIP’s all around!
But this happened nigh on 10 years ago! (Ok, it was 8 years ago, but 10 makes it sound so much more distant…like, its possilbe I was wearing a hoop skirt and a bustle, kind of distant.) The Peace Corps does not care. I get to write a personal statement about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, specifically when taken in foreign countries where you don’t know your ass from a bread truck. I get to answer questions like “Define alcohol abuse.” and “What is the longest amount of time you have demonstrated sober in the last three years? Provide dates.” What? I am a 26 year old single person living in an urban setting. I do occasionally get drunk. But I have NO IDEA how to provide dates for all the times when I am sober. That is like saying “Please provide us with specific dates for all the times during the last 3 years when you were not at the grocery store.”
So all that has been on my mind of late. And I was just thinking of how I haven’t written yet about the Glogg that I drank on Thanksgiving Day, made by the lovely Miss Q, which meant that I also hadn’t tittled any posts “The Glogg Blogg”. And that was a travesty of justice that had to be righted. But all that thinking got me thinking about all the other lovely liquids of an alcoholic nature I consumed over those four wonderful days of gluttonous gluttony. And then the Peace Corps Questionnaire of Insultingness seemed slightly less insulting. Here is that list, in all it’s drunken glory:
- glogg(our recipe included such wonders as; lemon! syrup! pineapple! spices! and wine! also, just as a side note–it is a mystery to me how i can be so enamored of the word ‘glogg’, and yet want to curl up my lip like a fat elvis sniffing a ham whenever i hear the word ‘blog’. but that’s the way it is. which words cause an ‘elvisification’ of your face?)
- non “glogg” wine (this was the old stand-by for the weekend, the Number 2 pencil of booze if you will, and it treated us very well)
- fish tail beer (yummy microbrew of goodness. why do people live anywhere else? the NW kicks so much ass. plus we have lots of trees.)
- Whiskey Toddy Mix of Goodness (there is no image for this, as it would be like looking upon the face of God. but understand that it involved cider, glenfiddich, butter, spices, whipped cream AND graham cracker bits.)
- Whiskey and heated apple cider (at some point the whiskey toddy mix of goodness became too much. and so we commenced with the heating of the cider and the pouring of the whiskey in. and then we would all thank god for the fermentation process, and the joy it has brought to our lives)
So that is my list. The list of the booze that I drank on one of the booziest weekends of my adult life. (Not that I had that many boozy weekends during my non-adult-life. There was just that one weekend in Amsterdam back in ’87.) I’m not denying that I drank a lot over my Holiday weekend. But every night I ended up safe in bed. I wasn’t drinking alone. And none of the items on the list have names like ‘Old E’ or ‘Mad Dog’.
So in spite of my days of indulgence which might seem to indicate a certain level of, shall we say, spirit, I would like to write a letter to the Peace Corps. It would go like this:
Dear Peace Corps,
I am not a drunk. Perhaps we could meet could meet over a beer an discuss my non drunkyness together.