Thats What She Said

I'm supposed to be doing something else right now.

Disgruntled Office Workers January 29, 2007

Filed under: *Peas; Or, Stuff That's Bad — thats what she said @ 3:18 pm

So, about a week ago I had a bad day at work.  A very bad day.  A holding back tears at the desk while pretending to be typing furiously bad day.  Out of frustration, I wrote myself a little note on a post-it, and stuck it to my desk.  That note said:

I HATE MY JOB.

And it did make me feel just a little better.  Take that, horrible job!  I will announce my hatred for you in a passive aggressive manner!  Bet you weren’t expecting that! 

At the end of the day I realized that I probably shouldn’t just leave that sort of sentiment laying around.  So I threw it into my recycle box.  I realized that you could still read it pretty clearly, even in the box, so I cleverly turned the note over.  It’s a wonder an innovative thinker like me hasn’t shot straight to the top of the corporate ladder. 

So, imagine my surprise when I got to work the next morning, and found my recycle box empty of everything–except my note, which was now stuck to the bottom.

posit-2.jpg

And what was even better was the new addition to the note:

posit-1.jpg

Sometimes all you need is for someone to share your pain. 

 

Funny Friday, Or: Is Your Joke Better Than Poop On A Stick? Friday’s January 26, 2007

Filed under: *Daily — thats what she said @ 12:58 pm

New tradition, starting today:  Every Friday I will post a joke.  Until I think of something better, we will call this day ‘Fuuny Friday’, in spite of the fact that that may be the least funny title ever.  We will all, collectively, just have to deal. 

Also, I encourage you all to tell me jokes.  Because everybody likes jokes.  And whoever tells the best joke, will get…something.  At the very least they will get satisfaction. 

And while we’re on the subject of pitching in, anyone who comes up with a better name for ‘Funny Fridays’ will get…something else!  Something very big and exciting! 

So…here is today’s joke:

Q) Why do bikes have kick stands?

A)  Because they’re two tired. 

Ha! 

Have a good weekend, my lovelies.  Or a lovely weekend, my goodies.  It’s up to you.

 Update, 1:30 PM: 

This just in folks–the creative genius Grandmaster Flash has supplied us with a name just classy enough to work here at That’s What She Said…drum roll please…henceforth, the superbly crappy title of ‘Funny Friday’ will be changed to…

Is Your Joke Better Than Poop On A Stick? Friday’s

Amen, Grandmaster Flash.  Amen.

 

The Local Branch January 25, 2007

Filed under: *Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good — thats what she said @ 1:05 pm

Here is what I envision:

  • Wood paneled walls, lined with built-in bookshelves.
  • Deep red couches and chairs.  Plenty of booths. 
  • Low lighting, but with an assortment of old lamps to read by. 
  • Menu full of drinks like Tequila Mockingbird and H.G. Wells (to be served during Happy Hour, of course), and such tantalizing food options as Moby Dick and Chips, and the Fight Club Sandwich. 
  • Background music consisting of Frank Sinatra, Sigur Ros, Dolly Parton, Van Morrison, Otis Redding, Gillian Welch, Run DMC, and anyone else we care to listen to, that is why we opened our own GD bar in the first place.

Books and booze have always gone well together.  I mean, aside from driving or conversations with an ex, I think booze goes pretty good with most things.  But Liquor and Literature–truly a match made in heaven.  Or, if you’re Hemingway, hell.  But he always struck me as a bit of an asshole anyway. 

My point is this.  Why are there no bars that whole-heartedly embrace literature into their culture?  There are sports bars, and naked lady bars, and bars for musicians.  There are bars for foodies (also known as restaurants) and bars for dancing.  But I want to go to a bar and know, JUST KNOW, that I could strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to me about what a genius Margaret Atwood is.  (She truly is.  Stop reading this bullshit right now and go buy The Handmaid’s Tale.  Now.)  Or whether or not Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss are pretentious.  (My verdict?  Who cares?  Lots of people are pretentious.  But lots of people aren’t able to make sadness beautiful.)  Or what exactly the deal is with Daniel Steel.  (Why is her hair so long?  Does she really write those poems at the beginning of her novels?  And how has she written so many books about people who were in love but then their daughter died in a mysterious car accident but then it was ok because they re-united through the power and beauty of horseback riding?)

I want to be able to buy a book and a beer at the same time!  Maybe there are bars like this out there in the world.  Probably New York has one.  But poor, provincial little Seattle does not.  The Pub at Third Place is close, and I highly recommend that you go there, particularly on the last Monday of every month, when they hold Science On Tap.   It’s a wonderful, cozy place with great beers on tap and great food for amazingly little money.  And there is a wondrous bookstore right up the stairs. 

But people, I envision a world where you don’t have to go upstairs to get a book.  A world where your favorite bar is a bookstore, and your favorite bookstore is a bar.  Grandmaster Flash (chosen nick-name, not the group Grandmaster Flash, although that would be awesome and I would ditch nick-namey in a second for them) and I have a five year plan.  Except that we made it a year and a half ago (when we still worked at Barnes & Noble and would discuss EVERY DAY how much better the job would be if we were DRUNK) so I guess now it is more like a three and a half year plan.  Which means that, the DAY I get back from Africa, I better be ready to grab a damp towel and wipe down some tables, because The Local Branch should be open for business.  

 Will you come? 

 

Point to your head and say Mark Twain’s initials. January 24, 2007

Filed under: *Daily — thats what she said @ 1:35 pm

Folks.  I’m sorry.

1)  I’ve got nothing.  Except the joke I’m using as a title, which someone told me in the second grade.  HA!  Not really funny, but it allows me to simultaneously insult my fans (all 7 of you!  Hi!) and make the somewhat convoluted point that I have nothing to say.  Because I’m on ’empty’–get it?  Doesn’t the sheer inanity of this post make you want to start your own blog in an attempt to balance out all the CRAP I am able to flood the universe with?  Because it makes me want you to do that.  

2) I’ve actually been too busy at work to update here.   WTF?  I liked it quite well when I had shit to do, and plenty of time to complain about it. 

I’ll be back soon, I promise.  Possibly even with something interesting to say!  Wouldn’t that be a nice change!

 

100 January 19, 2007

Filed under: *Daily — thats what she said @ 11:47 am
  1. I stole this idea from other people’s blogs.
  2. The fact that more than one other person has done it make it feel less like theft.
  3. Sometimes being unoriginal is just easier.
  4. Just ask Kevin Federline.
  5. I laugh when I’m uncomfortable.
  6. The number 6 is my favorite.
  7. Sometimes I interrupt. 
  8. I also laugh when I’m nervous.
  9. Or when I think something is funny.
  10. I seem to think a lot of things are funny.
  11. Maybe I am one of those crazy people you see laughing at nothing.
  12. Did you hear that?
  13. I grew up in Salem, OR.
  14. Which I always say in a rather dejected manner.
  15. Salem, OR is quite lame.
  16. The rest of Oregon is quite nice though.
  17. You should go there.
  18. I recommend the Dee Wright Observatory.
  19. If you go at dawn, it’s like visiting the moon.
  20. I have no way of verifying that last statement.
  21. But it IS like I think the moon might be, if someone built a stone observatory on it.
  22. I read a lot.
  23. Like, A LOT.
  24. Right now I am reading The Songlines and The Orchid Thief
  25. I am often reading more than one book at a time.
  26. I also often stop reading books right in the middle.
  27. Sometimes I pick them up again.
  28. I have kind of a hippie-ish philosophy when it comes to books.
  29. Life is too short to continue reading something you aren’t completely absorbed by.
  30. I have kind of a hippie-ish philosophy towards words too. 
  31. Clearly, hippie-ish isn’t really a word. 
  32. But you know what I mean, right?
  33. In case you don’t, I mean my philosophy is very accepting, and not at all constrained by reality.
  34. Like hippies.
  35. I am a terrible speller.
  36. But that fact has never bothered me. 
  37. Maybe I am a hippie?
  38. I did go to school in Eugene, OR.
  39. I enjoyed it, mostly.
  40. My freshman year of college was truly spectacular.
  41. I feel really lucky because of that.
  42. I am an optimist.
  43. Also, an idealist.
  44. I guess we’ve settled the hippie issue.
  45. I like puns.
  46. I am sounding more and more dorky by the second.
  47. And I haven’t even gotten to the knitting part yet.
  48. Or my cat.
  49. There must be something cool about me…
  50. I have tattoos!
  51. But at least one of them is definitely NOT cool.
  52. But I like it anyway.
  53. That is definitely not cool
  54. I’m going to get off the subject of coolness now.
  55. I have two goals for this blog.
  56. I would like to be able to keep a journal of my experiences in Africa.
  57. I would like to my kids to read it someday.
  58. There are a couple of obstacles in the way of my reaching these goals.
  59. I don’t own a laptop.
  60. I will probably be living in a village in Africa.
  61. I would imagine that WiFi isn’t readily available in most African villages. 
  62. Although I could be wrong.
  63. Probably I will be wrong about a lot of the things I currently think about Africa.
  64. This excites me to no end.
  65. I don’t have kids.
  66. Or a person to make kids with.
  67. I won’t be in a position (Ha! See–a pun!) to have kids for a while.
  68. That means I will have to keep this blog up for a long time.
  69. I might not be very good at long term commitments.
  70. I say ‘might’ because what girl wants to admit that she can’t commit?
  71. I love Thai food.
  72. And cheese.
  73. Sadly, there isn’t a lot of cheese IN Thai food. 
  74. I drive a green ’95 Ford Taurus.
  75. Or a ’94. 
  76. The uncertainty about the year is not my fault.
  77. The manual says one thing.
  78. But the registration says another.
  79. It sort of shocked me to discover this. 
  80. But the lady at Schucks said that sometimes cars are ‘born on the cusp’.
  81. Meaning, I guess, that it was built either very late in ’94 or very early in ’95.
  82. So if you asked my car what its sign is, it probably wouldn’t know.
  83. Or maybe it would say Taurus.
  84. Sorry.
  85. I drove across the country once.
  86. In a Honda, not the Taurus.
  87. The Lovely Miss Q went with me.
  88. It rained nearly every night.
  89. I know this because we camped nearly every night.
  90. It was a truly wonderful experience.
  91. We listened to a lot of Journey.
  92. And Britney Spears.
  93. Something about middle America inspires that kind of music.
  94. There was a lot of car dancing.
  95. We both look very happy in all the photos.
  96. I like being happy.
  97. It makes me happy when people leave me comments.
  98. That was a blatant hint.
  99. Practically a request.
  100. But no pressure.
 

The Heart of Saturday Night January 15, 2007

Filed under: *Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good — thats what she said @ 1:00 pm

I can’t quite get over what a good time I had this weekend.  Seeing people you used to know, but really don’t anymore is always sort of a gamble, so I wish I could accurately describe the satisfaction of being reminded that there was a reason I spent as much time with them as I did. 

In just under 36 hours I drank just the right amount of beer, ate lots of good food, saw a show, rode a tandem bicyle, and heard a surprising number of hilarious stories about squirrels.  Perfection.

 

You can’t go home again, but you can go back and stay in a hotel and drink a lot of beer. January 12, 2007

Filed under: *Booze,*Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good — thats what she said @ 4:51 pm

I’m going back to Eugene this weekend for the first time in something like two years.  I’m pretty excited.  In addition to seeing some old college friends, I’ll be going to a Tom Waits tribute show, which my good friend’s band will be playing a set in.   Should be a pretty damn good time. 

Here’s hoping I will actually enjoy myself, as the 2007 Reign of Terror that started January 1st hasn’t really eased yet, and I could really use some relaxation.  And seeing the ex-boyfriend is always relaxing, right?  Hi Jake!  I’m really excited to see this group of people again.  I feel, I don’t know…I feel like we are all actually grown-ups now, even though in actual years we aren’t that much older.  But houses have been purchased, and relationships have mellowed, and I don’t know–growing up must have occured, right? 

Regardless, tomorrow night will find me firmly enmeshed in my past, and I’m so happy to report that I feel nothing but anticipation. 

I do not feel anticipation about coming back to my normal life next week, when I will finally force myself to figure out how I’m going to afford the following Atrocious List of Items To Be Purchased Some Time In The Next Four Months Or So:

1. $500 French course.  Is there a cheaper way?  The local community college will cost about $400 when all is said and done, and I’m pretty sure its not even a real class–more like a language lab thing were I go and TEACH MYSELF FRENCH FOR, HOW DO YOU SAY…LE FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.

2. Buy two, not one but TWO, new pairs of glasses, as the Peace Corps requires it and my current pair is being held together by the magical powers of super glue and my faith alone after being BROKEN IN HALF BY MY EFFING CAT WHEN HE WAS IRRITATED AT ME FOR BEING IRRITATED AT HIM FOR NOT WANTING HIM TO DESTROY MY BLINDS.

3.  Lab tests of undetermined cost.  The only estimate that I was given was a breezily stated ‘Oh, I don’t know, but probably HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS’.  Thanks.  I’m pretty sure I might have left HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS between my couch cushions or something.  I’ll just go check…

4.  Dental bills.  I’m going to go to the dentist later this month and PAY HIM SOMETHING CLOSE TO A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO CAUSE ME PAIN.  But on the plus side, maybe he’ll prescribe me something good.  Clearly drugs are going to be required in the on coming months.  I’m not sure wine is going to cut it.  

I can’t even begin to think about the things I’m going to have to buy for the actual living in Africa part of the deal.  Backpacks and weird clothing items and new underwear and mosquito nets and I’d really like to take an ipod and a digital camera although it seems fucking obscene and not to mention insensitive to buy these things SPECIFICALLY TO TAKE TO A COUNTRY WHERE THE AVERAGE PERSONS YEARLY INCOME IS PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE $200.   But also, umm…I want to take pictures and listen to music in Africa.  I can’t really imagine the experience if I can’t do those things.  So yeah. 

I’m going to stop the  whine-fest now.  I’m sure I’ll find the necessary couple hundred bucks somewhere…right?  I’m sure that happens.  And anyway–who am I to complain?  I just went to the doctor for the first time in YEARS and I’m pretty sure I’m totally healthy.  (Aside from the gnarly head cold, but gnarly head colds totally don’t count.  Big picture, people, big picture.)  So yea for that. 

This was supposed to be a happy post about my upcoming weekend.  It’s so exciting to be able to just dip your toes in your past…as long as there’s no skinny dipping.  That’s how a girl gets herself into trouble.