Not that I EVER really look like this. Today especially though—I don’t look like this. That is my point.
I just went to the bathroom, and when I was washing my hands (Is that too much information, internet? Should I have skipped this part? Should I have let you guess where I was, and why? At least you know now that I do wash my hands.) Anyway, so I was washing my hands, vigorously and with lots of soap, when I looked in the mirror. That’s when I realized that I am wearing a shirt the exact same color of my skin. Also that I probably went one day too many without showering. I sort of thought about it this morning, right before hitting that snooze button one more time. Huh. Maybe I should get up and shower…Nah…It’s not like I smell or anything. And people PUT stuff in their hair to make it flat like this. So, ya know, I didn’t shower. I realize now that it is probably more likely that people put stuff in their hair so that it DOESN’T look like this, and that is a sad realization to come to at 2 in the afternoon.
Anyway, it was when I was looking in the mirror, struck by my own apathy caused grossness, that I realized once again how awesome the internet is. Because look! I am writing this right now, and if I hadn’t TOLD you that I look like I might smell (I don’t! I doubled up on the deodorant! I smell like a peach—literally!) you would never know. And instead of looking at me, you get to look at a picture of Audrey Hepburn, who I’m sure was NEVER lazy enough schlep into work wearing a T-shirt in a pale shade of poo*. But then, she probably never got to push the snooze button either. Poor girl.
*Just for clarification, neither my shirt nor my skin are actually the color of poop. It’s just that once I thought of the phrase ‘a pale shade of poo’ I couldn’t NOT use it, ya know? I mean, that’s the kind of writing that’s going to win me the Pulitzer, just you wait.