You know what I hate?
I hate public restrooms with ambiguous locks. The kind that you think you have locked…you are pretty sure you have locked…but you’re not totally sure. And you want to be totally sure. Especially when the toilet is far away from the door, and then you have to pee as fast as you can and the whole time you are thinking about how someone might be able to come barging in at any moment and this is not how you want to meet a stranger and oh my god what if it’s a boy?
I hate that.
But you know what I hate even more? I hate it when people have their MySpace pages set to private. What is the point? It goes against the entire philosophy of MySpace! The sole reason for the existence of MySpace is that you can look up people you have only a passing connection to and then learn intimate details about their lives without the awkwardness of ever actually having to speak to them. It is a idea simple in conception and BRILLIANT in execution. For instance, you could discover any of the following:
Hey! Look at all the people from my high-school with babies!
Hey! That guy looks cute! Oh, wait. His hero is Dan Brown? Moving on.
Hey! This person has an unnecessary amount of UofO football videos posted!
It’s important to know if a person seems a little too into Smallville or Nick Lachey, and MySpace allows you to find those things out before its too late. Unless people have their pages set to private. Then you can’t find these things out. You could send someone a ‘Hey remember me?’ message only to find out after it’s too late that your former classmate seems a little too attached to the Pussycat Dolls. That is an awkward situation. And it all could have been avoided.
What are you people hiding? Are you trying to add an aire of mystery to your life? Do you REALLY love Shakira but not feel comfortable with strangers knowing that? Could somebody please tell me why?
Because I tell you what—there is nothing more frustrating than finally thinking of someone really good to look up on MySpace (an elementary school classmate, former crushes, an arch nemesis, etc.) only to find their page and have it be private. WTF? Maybe I don’t want to be your friend! Maybe I just want to see if you have posted any pictures of you doing a keg stand or something.
I suppose my point is this—if there are things about your life that you would rather not share with the world at large, then maybe you shouldn’t post them to the internet?
And if you really love, say, Mariah Carey, then I think you should come clean about that.
ONLY WEENIES ARE PRIVATE!