Y’all, I’ve been catapulted into the 21st Century, courtesy of my mom. In part because she loves me, and in part as an attempt to bribe me into staying in the country, she’s gifted me with my very own ipod!
Sadly, I still plan on leaving the country. But Mom, may you be comforted by the fact I will now be able to trot the globe…wait, that sounds gross…curiously MUCH more gross then the phrase globe trotter…isn’t that weird? Anyway…Mom! Thanks to you I’ll be able to go places AND listen to music ALL AT THE SAME TIME! It is a glorious world, yea verily.
Although I do feel compelled to mention here that as a pact I made with myself now that I have the coveted ipod I am now obligated to ride my bike as much as possible in lieu of driving. That is the rule.
Now as a rule (another one!) I tend to be very gung ho about pacts in the beginning—even pacts involving exercise—so last night I jumped on the old bike and rode over to Grandmaster Flash’s house, and I have to say that as soon as I stopped feeling like vomiting I started to feel pretty good about myself.
And on the way home it was all Downhill! I love Downhill! Downhill is a gentleman and would willingly give you the last Junior Mint or clean out the litter box even if it wasn’t his turn. (Sorry about mentioning Junior Mints and litter in the same sentence. Not cool, I know, but sometimes you have to be a little graphic in order to really paint a picture. Just ask T-Bone.) Downhill is so accomedating that you can use him as a metaphor to mean either things will be much better from a certain point on, or that things will be much worse! It’s all downhill from here. See! How nice is that?
Now, Uphill…Uphill I am not so fond of. Uphill is kind of an ass. Uphill would totally cut in front of you in line at the grocery store and punch a puppy in the face. Not necessarily at the same time, but I wouldn’t put it past him. Like I said, ass.
But then I reminded myself of the fact that I joined a little something called the Peace Corps, and so I must, against the odds, attempt to make friends with Uphill, even if he does seem a bit of a tool. Perhaps he is just lonely? Downhill does tend to get all the glory after all, what with all the sports dedicated to him…skiing, snowboarding, various sledding activities. All Uphill is good for is your random panoramic view, the pleasantness of which is often negated by the fact that it took a long car ride with the family to get there.
Now I am starting to feel sorry for poor, maligned Uphill. In the spirit of friendship I will share with him The Best of Bootie. Together with the uplifting power of music Uphill and I will get…umm…up hills.
And here is where the metaphor breaks down. Finally. If you’re still reading, I’m sorry. I am drunk on the glory my new toy. And tequila.