Thats What She Said

I'm supposed to be doing something else right now.

Polio-No way in hell I still have those records… May 30, 2007

Filed under: *i joined the what now? — thats what she said @ 3:18 pm

So I finally heard something back from the old Peace Corps about my medical clearance—and what I heard back is this; they need me to give them proof that I have been vaccinated against polio.

Umm…isn’t the fact that I DON’T HAVE POLIO proof enough?

I also need to provide them with excruciating detail regarding the harmless mole I had removed (strictly as a precautionary measure). I mean honestly—can you imagine those details being anything but excruciating?

I suppose I should be pleased that they have finally at least LOOKED at my file and that I am finally making some progress, but mostly what I feel is stress. Stress that while I am my mother is combing through file folders full of old report cards and penmanship awards everyone else is going to get all the ‘good’ invites. Even though I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that…but maybe it does!

Oh man! What if all the people with delayed medical clearance are relegated to the Sahara or something? People, I am fair of skin! I will not survive the desert! Also–I had a mole removed! I should be kept from the sun! And probably it would be inappropriate to ask the villagers to fan me…

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Go Take A Hike May 29, 2007

Filed under: *Booze,*Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good — thats what she said @ 3:13 pm

I don’t know about you, but generally I feel about three day weekends the same way I felt about prom. There is so much build-up! So much pre-event excitement and fevered planning—what you’ll do, who you’ll be with, and oh my god did you hear what THEY’RE doing isn’t that just like them?…and then suddenly it’s over and you wonder what all the fuss was about and why in the name of Pete was it so expensive? Three day weekends (and proms) tend to come with more hidden fees than college student’s first VISA.

But not this one! Oh no, my friends. I went backpacking this weekend, for the very first time. And since it was my very first time, I had much to learn. And since I am very kind, and also since you have no way of stopping me, I present to you my list:

The Backpacker’s Guide To…Well, Backpacking In Umtanum Canyon…So It’s Not The Most Comprehensive List You’ve Ever Read…There Are Still Some Nuggets of Wisdom To Be Found…Especially The Part About The Whiskey…Anyway, The Do’s And Don’ts of Backpacking In A Very Specific Location In Washington, According To Me Who’s Only Done This Once:

DO’S:

  • DO go with people who know what they’re doing. The Lovely Miss Q and Beez, for instance, if they are available. This will cut down the work required by you by like, 87%. Really.
  • DO take a boy. They are handy for things like walking in front of you to scare away the rattle snakes, and for knowing how to tie square knots. Although probably TLMQ could tie a square knot too. It’s hard to say, as she was busy cooking me dinner.
  • DO put all of your food in a ‘bear bag’ and hang it from a tree limb at night.
  • DO go with people who actually think about things like ‘bear bags’, therefore saving you from a horrifying death involving teeth and claws and generally being mauled because you slept in a tent with your last Luna Bar.
  • In case of strong winds, DO stake your tent down, OR;
  • DO lay in your tent reading while TLMQ stakes it for you and then ties it to HER tent in her underwear because moments before everyone had simply been lying around in the sunshine but then this really really strong wind came out of nowhere, forcing us to lay around inside our canvas shelters bemoaning the fact that we hadn’t brought enough whiskey.
  • DO bring enough whiskey.
  • DO admit to yourself when you are standing in front of the shelves of booze at the liquor store the night before you leave that what you would like to think is enough whiskey is probably not nearly enough whiskey.
  • DO bring MadLibs—the greatest invention ever—allowing you to tell amazing stories about the first two space farts to orbit the Air Force Pizza Hut, or about a bride who walks down the aisle wearing an invisible testicle with a hairy trim and a curly neckline.
  • DO bring a book, because you know what? “Backpacking” really just means walking somewhere and then sort of sitting around for a while and commenting on how pretty stuff is.
  • DO go somewhere that has mountain goats. Goats! Fun to say and to see.
  • DO start referring to the areas where people actually live as the ‘front country’. It will make you feel like a bad-ass.

DON’TS:

  • DON’T bring your yarn. For God’s sake it is OK to go one weekend without making knots with sticks, you giant giant dork.
  • DON’T attempt to drive home on the last day of a huge music festival located roughly nearby. If you are silly enough to try, DO expect to be surrounded on all sides by sunburned weirdos, each clad in an ‘independent’ band T-Shirt and Volcom hat. Dude. It was, like, AWESOME. (I was once a sunburned weirdo in a Bright Eyes T-Shirt, so I feel OK about judging all the folks who made the pilgrimage this year. Also, Dudes—hope those toilets were in better shape this year.)
  • DON’T forget to bring enough whiskey.
  • DON’T trust that TLMQ has fashioned (T-Bone’s borrowed) tent stakes securely to her pack before walking over the rickety suspension bridge with the wide gaps between the planks. DO have Beez reattach them once disaster has been averted.

So there you go..follow the simple rules outlined above and I assure you a glorious weekend will be had!

Next weekend—car camping with TLMQ and T-Bone. You know what’s great about going camping in a car? THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE AMOUNT OF WHISKEY YOU CAN BRING.

 

101 May 25, 2007

Filed under: *Daily — thats what she said @ 1:55 pm
  1. That last post was my 100th!
  2. It fees like a real achievement.
  3. I actually noticed that it would be my 100th post when I wrote the 99th.
  4. I meant to celebrate reaching 100 posts IN my 100th post.
  5. I forgot though.
  6. I celebrated Anthony Bourdain instead.
  7. Which I’m pretty OK with, actually.
  8. Anyway.
  9. I was going to celebrate by doing another one of these list things…100 more facts, for my 100th post.
  10. It’s not really a complicated idea.
  11. I’m not sure why I explained it to you.
  12. I certainly don’t think you’re stupid.
  13. Unless you are a Conservative Republican.
  14. Then I am pretty surprised if you’re even able to read this.
  15. That was what you might call a cheap shot.
  16. I am bit fired up of late.
  17. You know who else sometimes takes cheap shots?
  18. Anthony Bourdain.
  19. He genearally takes them at vegetarians though.
  20. Sorry T-Bone.
  21. Ha!
  22. I just realized that T-Bone is in fact a vegetarian!
  23. I mean, I knew that already.
  24. But mostly I just started calling her T-Bone because it’s a hilarious thing to call ANYONE.
  25. T-Bone—probably you thought from the beginning that I started calling you that because you are a vegetarian?
  26. No—I am not that clever.
  27. Accept that, I guess I sort of am.
  28. But I digress.
  29. Here is my list—of 101 new facts!
  30. (Because this is actually my 101st post.)
  31. (But you were probably able to work that out on your own, weren’t you?)
  32. Today is the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend.
  33. Hot Dog!
  34. I am going backpacking this weekend.
  35. Sadly, and perhaps ironically, I won’t be eating any hot dogs.
  36. It will be my very first time backpacking.
  37. I bought a backpack last week, which I will also take with me to Africa.
  38. Of course, I still have no idea WHERE in Africa I’ll be taking it.
  39. I pretend to be very patient regarding this lack of knowledge.
  40. Really, on the inside?
  41. NOT PATIENT AT ALL.
  42. Other things I am impatient about?
  43. This work day being over.
  44. This JOB being over.
  45. Meeting my soul mate.
  46. Finding out what the hell is going on on Lost.
  47. Sadly, I think I will have to wait about three years for that last one.
  48. I wonder what else will be happening in three years?
  49. I mean, aside from me actually being able to speak French.
  50. And Barack Obama being President of the United States.
  51. I’m pretty sure I just described my father’s own personal little apocalypse.
  52. Sorry about that.
  53. Crap, y’all.
  54. I’ve stalled, and I’m only at 54.
  55. So I’ve got 47 more facts to go.
  56. Hum de dum.
  57. Perhaps I’ll go to lunch now.
  58. And spare you this.
  59. I’m back!
  60. I ate a fire roasted veggie bruschetta.
  61. It was DELICIOUS.
  62. I also had a beer.
  63. I quite like beer.
  64. I don’t think this is necessarily news to anyone.
  65. I just feel that I like it enough that said liking deserves absolute clarity.
  66. Do you know what else I like?
  67. That is more surprising than beer?
  68. I like Dancing With the Stars.
  69. It’s just such good natured television.
  70. Also, who can resist a person who voluntarily gives himself the nickname ‘Joey Fat One’?
  71. I didn’t used to like any reality TV.
  72. Or beer for that matter.
  73. But now?
  74. I will admit to liking some varieties of both.
  75. A LOT.
  76. Funny how things change.
  77. Although, I suppose an argument could be made that lots of people start liking lots of things once beer is involved.
  78. But I would watch America’s Next Top Model even if I were sober.
  79. I mean, I’m sure I would.
  80. Tyra is generally drunk enough for the both of us.
  81. I have a confession.
  82. I haven’t ridden my bike since the incident.
  83. Which is not good.
  84. But I need to fix the tire before I can ride it again.
  85. I keep putting it off.
  86. Which is also not good.
  87. It has occurred to me that I am perhaps a little afraid to get back on the bike.
  88. And that the only way to deal with that fear is to get back on the…horse.
  89. Luckily, I’ve heard its just like riding a bike.
  90. Ha-zing!
  91. That joke really took it out of me.
  92. Bugger!
  93. Can I just leave you with five words I think are really funny?
  94. Kumquat.
  95. Pants.
  96. Weasel.
  97. Monkey.
  98. Junk.
  99. I’ll give you a dollar if you tell me what word you think is really funny.
  100. No I won’t.
 

“Damn it’s cold. I need some hot chocolate and a couple of fat chicks.” May 24, 2007

Filed under: *postlets — thats what she said @ 1:44 pm

Oh Tony.

I’m sure than when I’m living on the equator I will probably miss the cold, but man, I KNOW I’ll miss you.

 

%#@&! May 23, 2007

Filed under: *postlets — thats what she said @ 12:49 pm

Awesome:

  • New work computer that allows me to have two monitors!

Not Awesome:

  • Loss of approximately 10G of music
  • New SLOWER computer which allows me more time to think about crappiness of new computer
  • Everything is jacked
  • JACKED!!!!!
 

Monkey Tree, Monkey Do May 21, 2007

Filed under: *Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good — thats what she said @ 12:48 pm

monkey-tree-small.jpg

Sunday afternoon, at the recommendation of Kit Kat, T-Bone, Dr. Jones, Kit Kat herself and I trekked out to Vashon Island for a little good eatin’.  Quite how good it turned out to be was a surprise to all of us—except for Kit Kat, of course, who exactly how good it would be.

IT WAS GOOD. 

So good in fact, that we all felt sort of drunk by the time we finished our entrees.  People, I think we were actually HIGH ON LIFE, which is embarrassing to admit, but when you are, in fact, HIGH ON LIFE, you have little concern for such things as dignity.  And all of this before we’d even had dessert.  Oh sweet lord the dessert.   

I would have been pleased with the grilled cheese alone.  I mean, when someone brings you a big plate of this:

grilled-cheese.jpg

you immediately start looking around for St. Peter, because surely you must be in heaven.  Honestly, it was the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had.  The rest of the ladies were equally enamored of their choices.   

We followed it all up with these little pieces of paradise:

dessert.jpg

You might be wondering if four such dainty ladies as ourselves could really handle so much sugary goodness after eating such a large and enjoyable lunch.

no-dessert.jpg

Ahem. 

I think you should probably go to the Monkey Tree right now.  You get to take a ferry!  And if you are really charming, as we four must have been, you might even leave with a free piece of cake.  That’s right people, FREE CAKE.  FOUR FREE PIECES OF FREE CAKE.  I mean, really.  It’s enough to remind you that there is some good in the world after all.  Perhaps it’s all confined to Vashon Island, but hey, at least it exists.

Thanks Monkey Tree—I haven’t laughed that hard while eating cheese in a really long time.  A rare feat, since I find most cheeses hilarious.

And thanks girls.  You sure are making it hard to leave. 

And thanks to the Dad—for providing the means to the visuals.  Hopefully you won’t regret it in the coming months when I am posting pictures of various infections. 

And now, in what could quite possibly the WORST SEGUE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, some contact info:   

Monkey Tree: 

17817 Vashon Hwy SW
Vashon, WA 98070 USA

206-463-4635         

  

 

Once More Unto The Breach May 18, 2007

Filed under: *Cheese; Or, Stuff That's Good,*i joined the what now? — thats what she said @ 10:17 am

There is a moment in Anne of Green Gables when Anne is freaking out (actually a couple of them, she is a bit of a freaker-outer, and I love her all the more for it) and Miss Stacey reassures her by saying something along the lines of ‘You must remember, Anne, that tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it’.  Anne took great comfort from that fact, and I do too. 

I went back to French last night with some residual worry left over from Tuesday night’s BAD MOMENT.  I started thinking that maybe the conjugation of regular ‘er’ verbs and a couple of indefinite articles might be all my feeble mind could handle.  I would become present tense girl, capable only of making terse, cave man (cave woman, I suppose, but that sounds funny, damn this patriarchal world we live in) statements like ‘I EAT’ and ‘I GO NOW’.  Even simple requests like ‘where is the bathroom’ would elude me and I would find myself searching out bushes in the bush, and end up dying a tragic and mortifying death by scorpian sting to the ass.  I have what you might call a healthy imagination. 

But I went to class, and I held very shaky and ultimately unclear conversation with my teacher in which I enthusiastically informed her that I would not be taking the next session of classes, even though, I WILL, in fact be taking said class.  Clearly I need it.  The glory of this class and my lovely teacher Susanna is that I somehow ended up feeling comforted by this exchange.  I may have said the wrong words, but hell, I said something at least, and we worked it all out in the end.  I hope that I am able to remember that when I find myself feeling extremely frustrated—that it will most likely all work out in the end.  And even if it doesn’t, tomorrow is another day, and with any luck I’ll wake up in a better mood.  I think I will also need to remember that a day completed without intestinal difficulties must be considered a successful one, regardless of any language limitations.

Also adding to my general good feelings about French?  Beer!  A couple of the kids (actually, not so much ‘kids’ as people who are in general about 5 years older than me…people who didn’t get carded at the bar…ahem) from class having been going out on Thursdays after class and since this week I wasn’t having any surgery done, I joined them.  It was good clean fun, although slightly less clean than the fun had in class, which is exactly what I look for in the people I drink with.  Most of them are taking the next session too, which is great as I feel really comfortable with them, and that makes it easier to speak really horribly in front of them and ask questions like ‘Did you just say that your friend lives in Seattle, next to the Chinese?’  Turns out the words for ‘my house’ and the word for ‘Chinese’ are quite similar. 

Being clear on that distinction will probably be very helpful in Africa, so I’m glad I asked.