I went home this weekend for yet another BBQ in the long string of BBQ’s that has become my life. I would claim to have achieved professional BBQer status, except that I have yet to do any actual work at any of the BBQ’s I’ve attended, so really I’ve become more of a professional eater of BBQed food, and honestly, I believe I originally claimed that title back in 1988. But anway.
This BBQ was held in Salem, OR, at the lovely home of some long-time friends of the family. Although really not so much friends of the family as people who used to see me naked regularly, and are able to recall with stunning accuracy just how deep my love for Joey McIntrye once was. (Note: It was very deep. My BFF Monica and I would stage elaborate productions in which we would not only meet Joey McIntrye and Jordan Knight, but also conveniently distract/ditch the other three dudes because I’m sorry Danny Wood I’m sure you are a lovely human being and are currently married to a gem of a girl but my 11 year old self? Was just was not that into you. Donny and Jonathan? We could take you or leave you but mostly we were interested in leaving you so that we could commence with the hand holding with Joey and Jordan because people WE WERE 11. Also, just so you know Monica and I would always fight over who ‘got’ Joey because he was totally the cutest and she was older than me and would always win so I always ended up with Jordan but then I would pretend that I totally wanted Jordan in the first place and the best part of this whole thing is that we REALLY THOUGHT IT MATTERED. LIKE, WHAT IF SOMEDAY WE REALLY DID RUN INTO THEM AND WE HADN’T PREARRANGED WHO GOT TO HOLD HANDS WITH WHOM? I have now talked way to much about NKOTB and my prepubescent love for them. I apologize. I also apologize for using the word prepubescent. Twice.)
Anyway, I went to Salem for a combination Happy Birthday/Where Are You Going Again?/Wow./Good Luck With That You Freak Party, and it was strange and good very nice to see people that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. (See above
far too detailed and ultimately pointless Note regarding just how long it had been.) I ate friend chicken and tried to keep up with Monica who has graduated from a love of NKOTB to a love of daiquiris. Alas, I could not and switched to beer midway through the afternoon because I am a failure as a girl.
Speaking of beer, I didn’t drink nearly of it. Because at some point in the evening my mother commenced giving the Longest Speech Known To Man. Which is already a little embarrassing what with the standing awkwardly looking at the 13 remaining guests most of whom barely know me while being talked about in glowing but also slightly intoxicated terms but people I wasn’t even allowed the dignity of standing awkwardly. No, I was made to sit (awkwardly) on a ‘throne’ while wearing a sash (which said Miss Africa and actually I thought that was pretty hilarious if only for the sheer irony of the visual) and holding flowers and a LIGHT UP WAND THING and wearing a LIGHT UP TIARA THAT KEPT FALLING OFF MY HEAD BUT I WASN’T ALLOWED TO JUST HOLD PLEASE CAN’T I JUST HOLD ON TO IT? NO. So there I sat for a Lovely and Heartfelt and Long Speech and did I mention that it was the Longest Speech Ever? How long was it, you ask? I’ll tell you. It was so long that my sister, who was filming the incident, had to interrupt to say that the camera had RUN OUT OF BATTERIES. Glory Hallelujah. But lo that did not stop my mother. (I was however thus saved from the fear that someday when I run for president I will have to worry not only about the illusive and credibility destroying ‘Streak-O De Mayo ’99’ video but also the one where my Mommy said nice things about me and also used the word ‘crowning’ at some point while she was talking for a Very Long Time.)
In conclusion, I spent about 11 hours in my car this weekend, and roughly the same amount of time smiling/holding back tears/making ‘wrap it up’ motions with my hands. Thanks Mom. And I’d just like to say, “Ditto”.